Affirmation of Life
by Eventhorizon7
Summary: Janet's death has a profound effect upon Sam and Daniel, resulting in a moment of intimacy that changes their lives forever.
1. Chapter 1

**Author:** Eventhorizon 7

**Rating: **M (Mature Themes)

**Categories:** Angst/Romance/Drama

**Content Warning:** Adult Themes/ Sexual Situations

**Spoilers:** Seasons 1 to 7 to be on the safe side

**Summary:** Janet's death has a profound effect upon Sam and Daniel, resulting in a moment of intimacy that changes their lives forever.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own these characters they belong to Stargate SG-1 and MGM studios etc. I am making no money from them and sadly never will. If I did own them, believe me Sam and Daniel would have had much more fun with each other.

**Author's Note:**

This is a Sam/Daniel story with strong adult themes and eventual romance. Anyone who does not like this pairing should not read. Please don't flame me as you have been warned in advance of the pairing. Those who do read it please leave a review as I like to know what you think. This is a work in progress and I will try to get subsequent chapters out as soon as real life allows.

Enjoy!

**Affirmation of Life:**

**Chapter 1.**

After all these years I thought that I had finally gotten a handle on grief.

It had become so ingrained in my life that I had convinced myself that it no longer had the power to hurt me, that it no longer had the ability to take my heart and shred it into a million painful pieces.

It took less than a second on P3X-666 to change all that. To remind me that no matter how high I build my personal redoubt, how secure I try to make the walls that I create around my wounded heart, there will always be something or more likely someone that will bring them crashing down around me.

The pain of this loss is strong, much stronger than I have felt for some considerable time. I have not felt this kind of agonised grief since I lost Sha're and back then I didn't think that I could ever feel that level of desolation again.

I didn't realise then how wrong I could be.

The voice of the padre cuts through my thoughts, bringing me back to the almost surreal ceremony that is taking place inside the gate room. I'm only half-listening to his words because if I am honest with myself I lost my sense of faith a very long time ago. My acquaintance with the Goa'uld and their usurpation of Earth's religious and mythological heritage has only served to reinforce that mindset.

Across from me, Jack, and Sam stand at an easy attention, their eyes downcast, their features a mask of determined control. Between them, Teal'c is the epitome of stoicism, large and immovable, but I know how much each one of them is hurting inside, because I share that pain, that tortured anguish that only those that have seen combat and survived can feel.

Without my approval, my mind detaches itself from the ceremony and returns to the moment just a few short days ago that has shattered so many lives. To a moment when somebody so undeserving of death was so unfairly and brutally cut down and the recollection leaves me with the all too familiar feelings of guilt and inadequacy.

The padre finishes his sermon and is replaced by an Air Force bugler.

The all too familiar sound of Taps begins to echo around the embarkation room, its haunting melody causing me to swallow the tears that threaten to assail me.

As the last mournful notes fade away, Sam disengages herself from her place within the honour guard and walks up to the podium. She takes a moment to compose herself, dipping her hand into the inside pocket of her dress blues to extract a single sheet of paper.

"Janet Fraiser was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might I could not find the words to honour her, to do justice to her life. Thankfully I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country, and while Janet Fraiser did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but are in fact alive today because of Janet."

I watch my best friend desperately trying to overcome her overwhelming sorrow as she delivers her eulogy, note the stress lines that tighten around her expressive blue eyes as she fights to hold onto her professional decorum, knowing just how much the effort is costing her.

"Major Samantha Carter, Doctor Daniel Jackson, Colonel Jack O'Neill, Teal'c, Sergeant Connie Smith, Major Ian Hewles, Senior Airman Simon Wells…"

The list continues, but my mind has once again chosen to detach itself and I can hear the sound of Sam's voice becoming muted as an unwanted flashback forces its way into the forefront of my mind.

_Through the viewfinder of the camcorder I can see Janet as she reassures Airman Wells that he is not going to die because she hasn't come all the way out there for nothing. _

"_Now we've stemmed the bleeding. We're going to get you to a stretcher. We're going to get you home to your family in no time ok? Now you hang in there Airman."_

"_Yes ma'am."_

_A bright incandescent flash shoots across the screen, hitting Janet squarely in the chest, driving her backward onto the leaf littered ground with a startled cry. The sound of the staff blast so close by startles me, making the camera judder, and it momentarily loses its focus upon the scene taking place in the woods._

"_Oh God what happened, is she hit?"_

_For a moment I am paralysed, unable to move, my mind unwilling to accept what has just played out before me. Precious moments tick by and I am vaguely aware of somebody telling me that they have taken out the Jaffa that had instigated the attack, but my eyes are locked upon Janet's prone form, upon her lifeless brown eyes._

With a shudder, my thoughts once again turn back to the present and the sound of Sam's voice begins to get louder as my consciousness once more registers where I am. She finishes reading the last few names from the long list of those that Janet has saved and walks back to her place in the honour guard. As she passes by me, I can see the single tear that is steadily making its way down her cheek.

I have to look away before I am undone by the sight, before my own emotions over run the shattered defences that are holding them at bay. Instead I turn my attention away from Sam and settle my eyes instead upon the young woman that stands at the base of the ramp.

Cassie stands alone, clutching to her chest the folded stars and stripes that were given to her earlier by a representative of a grateful nation.

The poise and grace that I see upon her youthful face will stay with me forever.

For the second time in her short life she has lost a mother and although I can relate to that in part, I can't begin to try and understand what she must be going through. To all intents and purposes, she is now alone, an orphan on a planet that is in many ways still so alien to her.

Of course that last statement isn't exactly true, for as long as Sam, Jack, Teal'c and myself are around, she will never be truly alone. We are her extended family, the surrogate aunt and uncles that she knows she can rely upon in any given situation.

As the memorial service breaks up, I watch General Hammond move protectively toward her, wrapping her up in a huge bear hug that tells me more about the man than mere words could ever express. They turn and head out of the gate room, flanked by Jack and Teal'c, heading to the General's house for the official wake.

As I stand in the gate room, the crowd around me slowly diminishing, I am assaulted by the 'what ifs' and 'might have beens' that have plagued me since that fateful moment on the planet's surface.

What if I could have done more to protect her?

What if I had done things differently, would she still be alive?

Could I have acted more swiftly when she had first been hit by the staff weapon?

Should I have been watching her back instead of filming Airman Wells' premature dying wish?

"Dr Jackson?"

My thoughts are curtailed by the sound of Sgt. Harriman's distinctive voice and I look up to find him staring at me."I'm sorry sir, but I have orders to start getting the gate room back into operational order." He shifts a little uncomfortably, a look of sincere apology crossing his features."I wish I could give you a little more time, sir, but SG-14 are embarking in an hour."

Harriman's words are proof that life in the SGC will continue to go on even without the participation of its Chief Medical Officer. It's the natural ebb and flow of life on a military base, but even after all these years and the absorption of so many other losses, I still find it a hard concept to accept.

Missions will continue and off world teams will carry on exploring the new planets that we uncover, bringing back with them new and interesting artefacts and technologies. Invariably things will also continue to go wrong, and no doubt we will have to fight battles against new enemies and deadly infections alike.

It will be inevitable that casualties will result and more brave people will die, their passing becoming nothing more than an anonymous footnote typed within the pages of a classified document.

I realise that my thoughts have lead me away from Harriman's request, he is still watching me, his brow quirking in a silent question as it appears above the rim of his glasses.

"Is everything okay, Doctor Jackson?"

"I'm fine, Walter." I dig my hands into the pockets of my suit pants and shuffle past him, the fatigue of the last few emotionally charged days beginning to take its toll upon my now bone weary body. "I'll get out of your way."

"Sir?"

"Yes?"

I watch Harriman's eyes well with unshed tears, watch him swallow convulsively and realise that he is yet another person whose life has been affected by Janet's loss.

"I'm going to miss her, sir."

"So will I, Walter…" I swallow the lump that has now formed in my own throat, fighting back the sting of tears that threatens to follow. "…so will I."

I turn around and head for the doorway, having decided to forgo the wake and just head on home. I still need time to process things and standing around the General's house while everyone drinks themselves into a maudlin stupor isn't going to help me with my own grieving process.

I tug at my tie as I make my way along the cold grey corridors of the complex, pulling it away from my collar and pop open the top button of my shirt. I'm beginning to hate this suit, I have worn it to more memorial services than I care to count and I'm actually contemplating burning the damn thing.

I reach the elevator and stab at the call button, when the elevator car arrives I step inside and press the button that will take me up to the surface level. I'm not even thinking about going back to my lab, of throwing myself into the multitude of projects and assignments that I have waiting for me there.

I know that this time that kind of distraction isn't going to work, because with Janet's death I have finally reached saturation point. I can no longer use work as an excuse to ignore my pain, because this time the base itself has become the one thing that constantly reminds me of her loss.

I need to put some distance between me and the mountain complex.

My decision is made by the time that the elevator car comes to a juddering halt at the surface level. By the time that I have logged out at the security station and walked to my car, my mind is made up.

I've even mentally worded the e-mail that I will send to General Hammond telling him of my intention for a leave of absence.

I start the car and pull out of the parking lot, watching the familiar sight of Cheyenne mountain fade into the distance in my rear view mirror.

I can't help wondering if I am leaving it for the last time.

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 2**

The fact that I am not sure where I am going doesn't seem to deter me from my packing, if anything it seems to have spurred me on.

Two holdalls sit open upon my bed, each already semi filled with clothing and other paraphernalia that I wish to take with me on this impromptu road trip. At this point I'm not even sure if I will be leaving the country, all I know is that I have to leave Colorado Springs as soon as possible.

I yank open the drawer of my dresser and scoop up an armful of clean underwear, throwing it into the nearest holdall, pushing it into the sides of the carrier to make room for more. I follow it up with the contents of the next two drawers, forcing the articles into every conceivable nook and cranny I can find.

I'm taking as much with me as I can.

On my nightstand are my credit cards and every other financial means that I have of being traced. I've already emptied my savings account, having stopped by the bank on my way home.

The e-mail with my intentions has already been sent to General Hammond and I know that once Jack finds out, he will try every means at his disposal to track me down.

I don't want that.

I want to disappear, to fade into the background for a while. I need time to let my open wounds heal, to let my damaged psyche repair itself.

I can't do that here.

I cross to the heavily laden bookshelf and peruse its contents, choosing a few books from the titles that I run my fingers across and toss them into the open duffle bag on the floor. Next I run my hands across the extensive library of field journals, picking out a few that catalogue some of our most memorable missions adding these to the contents of the duffle. Finally I place my laptop inside and cinch it closed.

My doorbell takes that moment to chime and I glance in the direction of my living room.

Hammond couldn't have read my e-mail already. I sent it to his personal account back on the base, the earliest that he will get it is in the morning and by then I intend to be far away from here.

I quietly wait, hoping that my visitor might go away.

The sound of the doorbell is replaced by a series of soft knocks.

I hold my breath.

I wasn't expecting anyone, everyone I know should still be at the wake.

"Daniel?"

Let me amend that to everyone except Sam.

"Daniel…can you hear me? Are you there?"

Another soft knock reverberates against the wooden doorframe and I know that any second now she will resort to using the key that I gave her for emergencies. Sure enough I hear the scratching sound that it makes as it enters the lock, hear the deadbolts disengage as she turns it, followed by the soft squeak of the hinges as she pushes the door open enough to step through.

"Daniel!"

The worried tone of her voice is enough to force me to move from the bedroom so that I can meet her in the living room. I softly pull the door closed behind me so that she can't see the half packed bags in the room.

"Hey."

She turns at the sound of my voice and I instantly see the anxious concern upon her face ease slightly. As she looks at me, her mouth turns up in a relived smile.

"I got worried when you didn't show up at the wake."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay, I just wanted to make sure you were alright?" I watch as she replaces her keys inside her purse and snaps it closed. She places the purse on the table by the door before taking a few cautious steps into my living room. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

I nod my head and cross the short distance to meet her, noticing for the first time how tired and drawn she looks, her eyes red rimmed and swollen from the tears that she has finally allowed herself to cry.

Her usually immaculate dress blues are looking creased and dishevelled, her uniform jacket open, revealing the light blue tailored blouse that she wears underneath. The strange piece of fabric that acts as a tie has been discarded and the top two buttons have been undone. I can see the chain that houses her dog tags as it rests against her pale skin.

Concern for myself is replaced by concern for my friend.

"How are you holding up?"

She shrugs her shoulders, averting her eyes, suddenly focusing them intently upon the intricate patterns of the Persian rug at her feet. She starts to gnaw at her bottom lip, marking the soft skin with small indentations. Her fingers curl into fists at her side, the whiteness of her knuckles standing out in stark contrast to the deep blue of her uniform.

"I keep expecting to hear her voice, to see her walking down the corridors of the SGC." Slowly she raises her head until she is staring straight at me and I am almost crushed by the weight of the grief that I see emanating from her tear filled eyes. "I can't believe that she's gone, Daniel. I can't believe that we are never going to see her again." She bites back a sob, her jaw trembling with the effort to contain it. "It seems so pointless, hers was an unnecessary death. Janet saved lives, she didn't take them."

I can see the self imposed dam that she has been using to shore up her emotions begin to break and cross the few short steps that separate us. I tug her gently toward me, pulling her into my embrace, resting her head against my chest as the first plaintive sobs break free. She wraps her arms around my midriff, her fingers grasping handfuls of my shirt as she clings to me.

I stand silently in my living room as my best friend valiantly tries not to completely break down in my arms.

"Sam, it's okay…it's going to be okay." I run the palm of my hand across her back, feeling the coarse material of her uniform jacket against my skin. "I know that it feels bad now…but with time…"

I stop because I can't stand the fact that I am lying to her.

This isn't going to get better. What will happen is that with time we will absorb Janet's loss and carry on, like we always do. We will store her memory away with the rest of those that have fallen and we will grimly continue with our task, hoping that maybe soon we will be in a position to defeat our enemy and stop anymore of these needless deaths from arising.

"How many more times are we going to do this, Daniel?" It is as though Sam has read my thoughts. She pulls back from me until she is looking at me with teary eyes. Once again I am struck by how fragile she looks and it wars with the strong, independent woman that I know her to be. "How many more memorial services are we going to attend? How many more lives are going to be lost before we defeat the Goa'uld once and for all?"

There isn't an easy answer to that question. We have been fighting the Goa'uld for the last seven years and although we have made a significant dent in their hierarchy, it also appears that for each system lord that we defeat, another is more than ready to fill the vacuum.

"Who is it going to be next, Daniel? The Colonel? Teal'c?" Her eyes hold mine, their intensity refusing me the possibility of looking away. "Am I going to have to go through the agony of losing you again?" She sighs, the softness of her breath fanning against my face. "Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll be the first to go."

My eyes snap shut at that thought, at the thought that one day I might be forced to stand in the gate room to say goodbye to her. The pain that I have felt over Janet's death would be compounded a thousand fold if I were to lose Sam. My heart knows this even if my mind refuses to accept it.

My heart knows a lot of things about Sam that my mind refuses to accept.

"You know that's just the grief talking." I pull her back against me and drop a soft kiss into her hair. "It's natural to think about one's own mortality when we have lost someone close to us…it'll pass, Sam."

"Yeah...it'll pass," her voice is low, her words softened by the fabric that her head rests against, "until the next time."

A part of me can't help but agree with her sombre declaration, because in our line of work there will always be a next time.

The room grows still as we cling to each other, accepting whatever modicum of solace that we can find within the strong embrace of each other's arms. Sam's hitching breath quietens, her sobs slowly fading away, but she refuses to break the contact between us.

"Do you ever wonder if we've forgotten how to live?"

Her question is unexpected and I pull away to look down at her, but she doesn't raise her head to meet my gaze, instead she nestles in tighter against me.

"What do you mean?"

"Daniel, we've changed so much over the years, at least I know that I have." She sighs softly and the warmth of her breath passes through the fabric of my shirt, warming the skin beneath. "I'm becoming a machine, distant and detached, like my counterpart on Harlan's world. I've locked so much of myself away, to protect it, that nothing much remains and what does has forgotten how good life can be."

The sound of her voice is so forlorn that it causes me to pull back once more. This time I feel her pull away also, but when I glance down at her she is staring at my midriff as though she is ashamed of the things that she has uttered and cannot bear to see my reaction.

"Sam, don't do this to yourself."

"Have you ever wondered why we are all alone, why none of us seem capable of establishing a meaningful personal relationship? I used to think that we were just unlucky, that the job and all the security that it entails was a natural barrier to us forming any kind of commitment outside of the SGC, but now I think that it's the price that we pay for being the vanguard against humanity's destruction."

Slowly her head begins to rise until she looking at me. I see the tears brim upon her eyelashes, watch them as they slowly breach their confinement to slide down her face. They hover precariously at her chin before dripping silently onto her uniform.

"We have sacrificed all of our hopes, our dreams, our very futures, all in the name of a greater good." She tries to blink away her tears, but more brim to the surface, replacing the ones that she has discarded. "We are nothing more than hollowed out shells, shadows of who we once were."

"That's not true, Sam."

"Yes it is, Daniel, each and every one of us."

Her blue eyes suddenly take on an intensity that I have only ever seen her display in the briefing room when she is trying to make a point.

"We both know that the Colonel was pretty messed up before he even joined the programme. Charlie's loss took away a part of him that can never be replaced. We'll never know the man that he was, all we see is the one that gets through the day by utilising his sarcasm, his cynicism, sticking it to the man is his coping mechanism."

She smiles sadly and I have to admit to myself that her summation of Jack is correct, he has been shaped by the death of his son in a way that none of us could possibly understand. Yet I'm not sure if we would have liked the Jack he would have been if his personality hadn't been so irrevocably altered.

"For all his stoicism, Teal'c lost a part of himself when he had to make the choice between his family and his beliefs. It couldn't have been easy leaving his wife and child knowing that in all likelihood he would never see them again, that he would be imparting upon them the burden of his betrayal."

Her eyes hold mine and I see within their depths a sadness that tears at the fabric of my heart.

"As for you, Daniel, you lost your idealism when Sha're was taken from you and your innocence when she was impregnated by a Goa'uld."

"Sam.."

"Do you really think that you would be the man that you are today if we had never sought you out on Abydos? You would still be happily married, Daniel. Sha're would still be alive. You would still have that wonderful inquisitiveness about you and you would never have been forced to pick up a gun and become a soldier."

"That's not true. There was no guarantee that the Goa'uld..."

Before I can say anymore she cuts me off.

"Then there is me. The Black Widow."

"Sam...don't."

I can't bear to hear her talk about herself that way.

"Everyone that I find myself attracted to dies. Everyone that I have thought about starting a relationship with. To be with me, to even think about being with me is a death sentence." Her face takes on a desolate look. "I have become the kiss of death."

"That's not true."

"Do you think that I wanted to be the age that I am and still single? Do you think that I never thought about having children? I guess that was my sacrifice, my contribution to keeping the planet safe. Every time I feel tempted to challenge the cards that fate has dealt me, it reminds me why I can't have what most other women take for granted."

A sob catches in her throat cutting off the rest of her words. I feel her arms tighten around me as she struggles once more with her composure.

"God, Daniel, I just want to feel something good again, to feel what it is like to be alive. I want to be able to feel the attraction, the passion, the desire. I want to feel like a woman instead of some degraded facsimile of one."

Without thinking I cup her chin in my hand, tilt it upward until she is looking directly in my eyes. Slowly I lower my head toward her, watching her eyes widen in surprise before they flutter shut as my lips brush softly against hers.

The kiss is tender, with just enough pressure for it not to be misconstrued as being a kiss shared between friends. It deepens and I feel Sam press her body tightly against mine. I run a hand through her hair, holding her in place as my mouth continues to mould itself to hers, then I feel her tongue slip across my lips and I open my mouth to her upon a stifled groan of pleasure.

I don't know how long we kiss, time seems to have stood still, but finally we break apart to gulp air into oxygen starved lungs. In that moment, clarity reinstates itself and I realise what is happening and where it will inevitably lead.

"Sam, we shouldn't ..."

She silences me with a finger against my lips.

"Don't say it, Daniel..."

Her finger is replaced by her lips, with a kiss of such scorching intensity that it ignites the last of my doubts until they resemble nothing more than a pile of burnt embers in my mind.

Without any conscious thought, my fingers have found their way inside the uniform jacket, tugging it down her arms until I hear it hit the floor at my feet. A moment later they are busily popping open the buttons of her blouse, pulling it off her, revealing her bra clad torso.

I can't resist the temptation to run my lips across the swell of her breasts, to dip my tongue in the valley that lies between them. I am rewarded with a deep guttural moan that goes straight to my groin.

Sam's hands haven't been idle. They have already managed to strip away my shirt, which has joined her jacket on the floor. Deft fingers are now yanking open my belt, pulling it roughly through the belt loops of my pants. It hits the pile of clothing with a dull thud. Her hand curls into my waistband, tugging me toward her as she backs away toward the couch.

We tumble onto the soft leather and it yields to the combined weight of our bodies.

Our lips frantically chase one another's, each of us trying to take control of the kiss. Our questing fingers quickly discard the rest of our clothing and before either one of us has the time to come to our senses, our bodies are joined in a dance as old as time itself.

Nothing prepares me for the feeling of finally being inside her. It is something that I have longed for, but have steadfastly denied myself, but now as I feel her heat encompass me, I am blown away by the incredible sensations that flow through me.

I can't stop this.

I don't want to and judging by the way that Sam is tugging me against her with each sharp thrust of her hips, she doesn't want to stop either.

I've instigated a domino effect and the repercussions are likely to be felt for a long time to come.

Right now, all I want is to live in this moment. To stop time and just spend the rest of my days making love to her, except a part of me knows that this isn't making love.

Not in any true sense of the word.

We are satisfying a primal need, one brought about by grief and loss.

It's an affirmation of life.

Sam tightens around me, her spasms milking my length as she reaches her climax. She cries out my name, something that I have imagined so often in my dreams that hearing it now, in that throaty, passion filled voice is enough to send me into my own spiralling orgasm.

We lie sated in the aftermath, our bodies still clinging tightly to one another, our breath coming in short, sharp gasps. Her hand rests against my chest, her fingers cupped over my rapidly beating heart as though she is protecting it.

I look down at her and see her staring back at me with resolute eyes.

"I don't regret what we did, Daniel."

"Neither do I."

It strikes me then how life can be so fucked up.

How else could you explain what has happened tonight? How else can you explain why I should finally get a taste of something that I've wanted for so long and then have to give it up?

I kiss her softly on the mouth, my hands framing her face, my thumbs gently caressing her cheekbones. I want to memorise this moment, etch it onto my brain so that I can relive it when I need to. I want to remember every kiss, every touch, because I know it's going to have to sustain me for a long time.

I also need to tell her.

To tell her how much she means to me.

To tell her that I'm going away.

"Sam, there's something I have to..."

The rest of the words never make it to my mouth because at that moment the cell phone in her purse chimes into life.

"I ought to get that in case it's the General. I told him he could call me if there were any problems with Cassie."

Reluctantly I give her the room she needs to get up from the couch.

A growing sadness envelopes my heart as I watch her cross the room toward the insistently ringing cell phone.

Her conversation with General Hammond is brief.

"I've got to go, Daniel," she picks up her discarded clothing and I do the same, "can I use your bathroom to freshen up?"

"Sure."

She disappears into the bathroom and I'm left feeling as though some part of me has left along with her.

I know I should tell her, that leaving without doing so is the lowest form of cowardice, but I guess a part of me is afraid that if I did, she'll ask me to stay and I'd be unable to deny her.

I can't let that happen.

I need time to attend to my wounds, to get straight in my head what happened on that planet and the role that I played in Janet's death. The further away from Sam that I do that, the better.

For both of us.

The sound of my bathroom door creaking open breaks me from my thoughts.

I quickly put on my pants, not wanting to stand there naked and vulnerable in the middle of my living room.

Sam reappears, freshened up and dressed, the still slightly flushed hue to her skin the only evidence of our recent intimacy.

"I'm going to take Cassie back to my place."

"Okay."

She walks past me, toward the door, picking up her purse from the table on route. I follow her, my mind wanting to say something meaningful, something that she might take some kind of solace from when I've gone, but my mouth refuses to do my bidding.

What good will it do anyway.

At the door she turns to face me.

"I meant what I said earlier. I don't regret it."

She takes a step closer and kisses me softly on the mouth, then pulls back, a soft smile lighting up her face. Before I have a chance to say anything, she kisses me again, her lips hungrily moving across mine, letting me feel through their touch the truth of her words.

Reluctantly we pull away from each other.

My hand comes up to cup her cheek, she leans into the touch, covering my hand with her own.

"I've got to go, Daniel, but I promise we'll talk soon. Once I get Cassie settled, okay?"

She steps away, pivoting around so that she can pull open my front door and steps through it, but before she can take another step I reach out and grab her hand stopping her forward momentum.

She turns back around to face me.

"Sam..."

I stare into her eyes willing myself to say the words, but knowing that if I did, if I tell her what I really want to tell her, then come tomorrow when I'm gone, she will hate me all the more.

"Daniel?"

I swallow heavily.

"Take care on the road, it gets icy this time of year."

She looks perplexed at my words and shakes her head ruefully.

"I'll be careful, Daniel."

I release her hand and watch as she heads down the hallway toward the elevator. As the doors ding open I softly close the door and pad across the length of my living room, parting the blinds and wait for her to appear on the path leading from my building.

Silently I watch as she starts her car and pulls away from the curb, focusing on her taillights as she moves down the street, until they disappear from view.


	3. Chapter 3

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 3**

_Yucatan Peninsula_

_15 months later..._

The face staring back at me from the bathroom mirror looks nothing like it did on that night when I left my old life behind.

I look weathered and suntanned, the skin of my face leathery in appearance from too many days spent out in the unrelenting sun. The corners of my eyes are crisscrossed with tiny wrinkles, the crow's feet evidence of my continual squinting into the bright sunlight.

My hair is longer, lighter in colour with small streaks of grey highlighting my temples. The same marbling effect can be seen throughout the short stubby beard that my fingers now run across.

I guess spending more than a year secreted away on the most obscure archaeological dig sites have taken a toll.

I pause for a moment longer, staring at the almost stranger that stares back at me before sighing and shaking my head at the image.

Picking up the scissors that are perched on the edge of the basin, I begin to snip away at the beard, a prelude to an overdue shave. It has become a ritual, a way for me to reconnect with the modern world again.

I never shave while on a dig, there isn't time for it and it enables me to blend in, hiding me away from any unwanted prying eyes.

Once back in civilisation, I shed my beard as though I were a snake shedding its skin, and along with it goes another of my fictitious identities.

With each swipe of the razor I re-invent myself.

I only wish that my memories were so easily shed, but they hang on doggedly, refusing to be erased, to be locked away, forgotten as thought that other life never existed.

My grief has subsided.

I no longer feel the pain that I once did when I think of Janet. My memories of her are unsullied and the regret and condemnation that I felt at my lack of protecting her have receded. I now know that there was nothing that I could have done that would have changed what happened.

Nobody could have known that the Jaffa was there.

It was an opportunist attack and Janet was the unlucky victim.

With a great deal of soul searching I have been able to absolve myself of the guilt.

Yet others remain.

There is one burden of guilt that I know I will never be able to shed.

No matter how hard I try.

That is the guilt that I feel over Sam.

I can see it reflected within the eyes that stare back at me in the mirror, see it written upon every deep seated frown line that etches my face as though it were a brand seared into my flesh.

Try as I might, I have not been able to forget that night.

I can't help thinking about it, thinking about those precious moments of shared intimacy, of the warmth of her body, the taste of her kisses, the touch of her hands upon me.

Sam had bestowed her trust upon me in our moment of need, shared her body with mine.

And I had paid her back with betrayal and desertion.

How could she ever forgive me?

How can I ever forgive myself ?

The fact is that I can't and I won't and if truth be told that is the real reason why I have spent so much time hiding away, not because of Janet, but because of how I treated Sam.

That's why I can never go back.

I look away from the eyes that mock me in the mirror and set down the scissors.

Picking up my shaving brush I plunge it into the warm water of the basin, shaking out the residual water droplets before quickly rubbing it across the cake of shaving soap, loading the bristles with white foamy suds.

Without anymore thought I paint my face in the creamy substance, my mind already preparing for the next leg of my self-enforced archaeological odyssey.

I pick up my razor and am interrupted from proceeding any further by a knock on my hotel room door.

I set the razor back down and pick up a towel, blotting away the shaving soap from my face. Draping the towel around my waist I head out of the bathroom, stopping at the bed to locate my wallet so that I can tip the bellboy who has brought my meal.

I fail to find the wallet under the small heap of clothes that are piled upon my bed.

Another loud rap of knuckles assaults the door.

"Solo un momento por favor."

I fruitlessly search again and decide that I better let him in first.

I cross to the door and pull it open.

It isn't the bellboy.

My mind registers just who it is at the same moment that something connects with my jaw, engulfing it in white hot pain, the force of the blow sending me catapulting back into the room to land rather unceremoniously on my ass.

A blond haired fury follows me inside, kicking the door shut with the heel of her boot. She strides purposely toward me and I scrabble a few inches back, the towel around my waist loosening with the friction of my movements.

She is shaking her right hand, trying to take away some of the sting from the punch that she has just expertly landed.

Although she is dressed in all American blue jeans, white shirt and denim jacket, her demeanour resembles that of a Wagnerian valkyrie, full of barely concealed rage.

Feeling rather at a disadvantage, I try to get my hands under me so that I can lever myself up into a sitting position, but her eyes pin me to the ground with their heated gaze.

"Nick Ballard!..," Sam's voice is steady, but laced with incredulity, "are you fucking kidding me?"

The name on the register.

My grandfather's name.

"Fifteen months of staying under the radar, fifteen months of nothing, not a word, not the slightest trace of your whereabouts. You managed to go so far underground that even the Colonel's special ops training couldn't find you and then this..." she encompasses the room with a sweep of her hand, "you sign in yesterday using Nick's name." She leans down, her eyes intently boring into mine. "Tell me, Daniel, did you think we had given up or were you trying to be found?"

That is a good question.

Am I?

Did I use Nick's name because on some subconscious level I want this to end?

She makes a frustrated noise in the back of her throat at my lack of an answer.

"Get up."

She takes a step back so that she is no longer towering over my prone body.

"I will if you promise not to punch me again." I rub at my throbbing jaw, prodding tentatively at the lump that is beginning to form there. "I think you've loosened a couple of teeth."

The look she gives me tells me that she doesn't really care much about my present dentistry problems.

She flexes her hand into a fist and for a moment I can't help thinking that she is contemplating striking me again, but then her fingers relax and as they do I notice the swollen redness around her knuckles.

Guess I don't have a glass jaw after all.

"Just be glad that it was me that got to you first and not the Colonel."

That makes me spring up from the floor with a start, the unbound towel clutched clumsily against my waist. My eyes shift from Sam to the door behind her as though expecting it to burst inward at any moment.

"He's here?"

She quirks an eyebrow at me and my stomach lurches.

"And Teal'c?"

She doesn't have to say anything, doesn't even have to nod, her eyes tell me everything.

I swallow hard and grip the towel tighter against me as though it might act as some kind of shield.

"Where are they?"

"They're in the lobby..." she hesitates, the words trailing away as her face softens, her eyes glazing over as though her thoughts have suddenly gone someplace else. Wherever she is, it has transformed her visage completely and I see a look of such tenderness cross her face that it unwittingly causes my throat to constrict and my eyes to water with unexpected tears. " I told them that I needed to talk to you first."

A cold ball of ice suddenly takes up residence in the pit of my stomach, not just because of what she has said, but because of the way that she has said it.

She wants answers.

"Ah... Sam... if you don't mind... do you think I could get dressed?"

Her eyes widen slightly, their gaze sweeping across my body, pausing briefly at the place where I clutch the towel against me. A small blush crests her cheeks, perhaps in memory of that moment when we had shed our clothes along with our inhibitions.

She clears her throat.

"Of course."

She steps away from me, turning her back, pretending to take in the decor and surroundings of the shabby hotel room.

I quickly grab my things from the bed and hastily begin to thrust arms and legs into them, wanting to be covered up, wanting the fabric to act as a suit of armour against the words that I know will come.

"Why, Daniel?"

Her voice is soft and there is a strange fragility in its tone, one that I would never have associated with the strong woman that I have come to know. I realise that my impromptu suit of armour does not work for her words have pierced my heart as surely as a well aimed arrowhead.

I turn around to find her watching me, the last vestiges of her anger having slipped away to be replaced now by a look of such incalculable anguish that it makes me want to kneel at her feet and beg her for forgiveness.

"Why did you leave?" For a moment she looks as fragile as she had when she had stood in my living room, grief stricken and forlorn. I want desperately to cross to her and hold her as I had then, but I know that this time she will not be receptive to my attempt to comfort her. "Was it because of what happened between us?"

The realisation of what she has said hits me full force.

"God Sam, how could you even think..." My words trail off as I realise why she has come to that assumption. Moments before we had made love she had been speaking about how she considered herself to be a relationship pariah.

She had believed it was such conviction.

And then I had left her.

Oh God, what had I done?

"You didn't even say goodbye. You didn't leave a note, you didn't even leave me a voicemail. I had nothing..." she looks at me with tear filled eyes. "I shared my body with you and you didn't even have the guts to leave me a note of explanation... even General Hammond got an e-mail."

"Sam."

"Don't!" She stabs an accusatory finger in my direction. "I don't want to hear your excuses. I don't want to hear your apology, Daniel, the time for that has long passed."

I look away from her, my eyes focusing upon the threadbare carpet beneath my feet. There are deep gaping holes in some places where the fibres are frayed, in some places they are non-existent and I can't help thinking of it as an analogy of the current state of my relationship with Sam.

Whatever friendship that we had in the past, whatever feelings that we had once had for one another, intimate or not, were hanging precariously by a single, frayed thread.

I didn't want that thread to snap.

I didn't want to lose her friendship.

More importantly, I didn't want to lose her.

I force my eyes to meet hers.

"I wasn't running away from you, Sam, you have to believe that."

She stares at me for a moment, but then shakes her head, whether in disbelief or dismissal I couldn't tell.

"It's too late, Daniel."

She turns away from me and takes a step toward the door. Unconsciously I step in front of her.

"You're right, it probably is too late and I can't believe for one minute that you'll want to hear it, but please... will you let me try and explain?"

"Why?"

"Because it's not what you think."

She closes her eyes and sucks in a deep breath, staying that way for the longest time, her face registering the internal battle that she is having with herself. Then she opens her eyes and looks at me.

"There is nothing that you can tell me that will change things... too much has happened, Daniel." In her eyes I can see the truth of her words, can see the pain and suffering caused by my abandonment of her, and there is something else, something that I can't make out. "The Colonel was right... this was a mistake."

She side steps around me, her hand curling around the door handle, but my own hand slips across hers, forestalling her attempt to open the door.

"Please... just hear me out?" I can see that she is contemplating it and her hand loosens its grip slightly, but I haven't convinced her yet. "Just listen, Sam, that's all I ask and then... if you're not convinced... well... I guess you could always punch me again."

Although she tries to hide it, although she tries to clamp down on it with her iron will, I see one corner of her mouth quirk up in a slight smile.

"Don't tempt me, Daniel."

"Have a seat and I'll try to explain it as best I can."

I look around for a chair, but can't find one so I motion for her to sit upon the bed. She raises her eyebrows at me, but does as I ask, turning from the door and settling herself comfortably upon the mattress.

I take a moment to compose myself.

"I was preparing to leave before you came to my apartment that night." Her eyes narrow and I realise that that particular scenario hadn't been one that she had expected. "I was half packed when you arrived, if you had been an hour later I probably would have been gone."

I cross to her, taking a seat on the edge of the bed, keeping a respectable no man's land between us.

"Janet's death had a profound effect upon me. I couldn't forgive myself for letting it happen, for not doing more, for not protecting her. I blamed myself for leaving Cassie an orphan." Unconsciously one of my hands slips across hers, holding it softly in my grasp. "I knew that I couldn't stay at the mountain because it would only intensify the feelings that I already felt. I knew I had to get away... far away... to give myself time to come to terms with what had happened. I needed time to learn to forgive myself. I needed time to heal."

"We all shared that guilt, Daniel, and we all needed time to heal," there is a note of bitterness in her voice, an edge to it sharpened by her experiences since my departure, "but we didn't have the luxury of being able to run away, we had to stay behind, we had to deal with the aftermath." Her eyes settle on our joined hands, the pale whiteness of hers a vivid contrast to the suntanned brown of my own. "If you were so hell bent on leaving, if you were packed and ready to go... why the hell didn't you stop it from happening?"

"I've been asking myself that question for the past fifteen months."

Her eyes rise to meet mine.

"And?"

"I'm yet to come up with a reasonable answer."

"That's not good enough."

"I know," I squeeze her hand softly, "but that's all I have to give you."

We sit warily watching one another, each of us afraid of the things that have been left unvoiced.

"No matter what I did afterward, I have never regretted what happened between us that night and I never will." I raise my free hand and sweep it softly across her cheek. "We shared something special, Sam. We shared a gift, a precious gift."

Sudden tears well in her eyes, her lips trembling with the emotions that my words have evoked within her.

"Oh God, Daniel, if you only..."

A loud pounding reverberates against the hotel room door.

"Carter!"

Shit.

It's Jack.


	4. Chapter 4

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 4**

"Carter... open this goddamn door!"

Sam jumps at the sound of Jack's voice, snatching her hand away from mine as though she were a teenager suddenly caught making out by her father.

"Carter!"

She rises, crossing the room in a couple of strides, yanking open the door just as Jack was about to pound on it some more, causing him to stagger off balance, his forward momentum almost causing him to collide with her.

"Goddammit, Carter!"

Jack's eyes zero in on me with unerring accuracy, as though they were a pair of laser guided missiles.

I have known Jack O'Neill for a long time, been witness to more angry outbursts than I'd care to count. I'd thought that I'd witnessed every gamut of emotion that he possessed, but as I stare into his anger filled eyes I realise that I have been wrong.

Very wrong.

In all the time that I have known him, I can honestly say that I have never seen him look more furious that he does now.

"Why you son of a ..."

He strides forward, trying to side step around Sam, but she reads his intent and uses her body to block his path.

"Get out my way, Carter!"

There is a murderous undertone to his voice and that combined with the fury that I can see emanating from his eyes sets my nerves on edge. This is a Jack O'Neill that I do not know, one that appears to be intent upon physically harming me.

My sense of self preservation asserts itself and I rise from the bed, but instead of retreating to a safer distance, I find myself taking a couple of hesitant steps toward him.

"Jack?"

His eyes narrow at the sound of his name, his brown eyes turning almost molten with their pent up rage."

"Don't Jack me, you piece of ..."

Deftly he tries to manoeuvre around Sam, but once again she places herself between us, acting for all the world as though she were my own personal UN peacekeeper.

Jack's anger redirects itself toward her.

"Step away, Carter."

"I can't do that, sir."

His eyes dart away from where they have been scorching my body to lock with hers. A look passes between them and I half expect Jack to win the argument and bulldoze his way past her, but then something strange happens, something I've never seen happen before.

Jack O'Neill backs down.

"Damn it, Carter, you were suppose to come up here..."

"Sir!"

Again a silent form of communication seems to take place between them and again I see Jack uncharacteristically defer to his second in command.

What the hell is going on?

Jack's eyes glare at Sam for a moment longer, then on an exasperated sigh they shift past her to once more home in on me.

"Hey, Daniel, long time no see."

I know that the pleasantness of his tone is forced and that he is only doing it for Sam's benefit.

What I don't know is why?

He shifts position, rocking slightly backward and forward on the balls of his feet, his thumbs hooking into the pockets of his jeans, his stance becoming less threatening.

"So... how ya doing?"

"I'm fine... you?"

He gives me one of his patented grimaces.

"Knee's acting up, you know how it is..."

"Yeah... sorry to hear that."

As conversations go it is verging on the banal and the small talk has done nothing to dissipate the still smouldering anger that I can detect bubbling just beneath the surface of this surreal exchange.

"Daniel Jackson, it is good to see you again."

I glance past Sam and Jack to find Teal'c standing in the doorway, his large frame blocking the exit.

"It's good to see you too, Teal'c."

He inclines his head in response to my words, but doesn't enter the room. I get the distinct feeling that he has posted himself there in case I should have a sudden urge to bolt from the room.

Not that I'd stand a chance of making it past Jack.

Nor Sam for that matter.

A strange compulsion overcomes me and I find myself checking for other points of egress, settling my eyes upon the window that is next to the bed and the fire escape that leads down to the alleyway below.

This is ridiculous.

I'm experiencing fight or flight syndrome while in the company of my friends.

With a great deal of difficulty I manage to force that unsettling thought from my head.

"I've really missed you guys."

"Obviously not enough, Daniel, or we wouldn't be standing here right now, would we?" Jack folds his arms across his chest. "The truth is you pulled a pretty good disappearing act and I'm a little bit curious as to how you did that and where you've been all this time?"

"Here and there... archaeological digs mostly."

"Is that so... 'cause that was the first place that we looked and we turned up nada."

Jack tries to sound nonchalant, but I can detect an undercurrent in the tone of his voice, one that speaks of his frustration at not being able to track me down.

"I wasn't working on your typical dig sites. There are certain parts of the world where people aren't interested in who you are or where you come from. They don't ask questions, not as long as you do your job. Researchers come and go all the time. It's simple if you're not trying to be found."

Jack gives me a tight smile.

"Well we've found you now." He looks away from me, his eyes surveying the room, glancing at the duffel bag and holdalls, at the strewn clothing and detritus that has become a daily part of my life. "Pack up your things, Daniel, our plane leaves in a couple of hours."

"What?"

"You heard me. Pack up your stuff, we're moving out."

"No."

Jack's eyes narrow sharply.

"Excuse me?

"I'm not going back with you."

A surge of heat suffuses his face.

"The hell you're not!"

Jack makes a sudden move in my direction, his earlier anger erupting as though it were lava spewing forth from a breached fissure. As he tries to brush past Sam, she shoots out a hand and grasps his arm, pulling him backward.

"Sir, this has to be Daniel's decision."

Jack pivots suddenly in her direction, giving her a molten glare, one which would have melted the resolve of anyone else, but Sam keeps looking defiantly back at him.

"He walked out on us, Carter!" Jack's index finger stabs savagely in my direction as his anger finally finds an outlet. "He walked out on the team. On Hammond. The son of a bitch even walked out on..."

"O'Neill."

The warning note in Teal'c's voice is unmistakable.

Jack closes his eyes, forcing himself to take a steadying breath as he tries to cool down his ire. When he opens them once more they look directly at me and I can see all the pain and hurt that my lengthy absence has caused him.

In that moment I realise that it wasn't just Sam that I betrayed that night.

It was all of them.

Jack huffs an exasperated sigh.

"I'm through with pussyfooting around here. You're coming home with us, Daniel, now grab your stuff and let's get the hell out of here."

"I'm not ready."

"You've got fifteen minutes to get squared away, Carter can help you."

"I'm not talking about my stuff, Jack. I'm not ready to go back through the gate. I'm not sure that I'll ever be."

A simultaneous look of shocked disbelief crosses the faces of all three of my teammates.

I guess that was a scenario that none of them had envisaged.

"You told General Hammond that you were taking a leave of absence." Sam's voice is soft, her words barely a whisper. "You didn't say that you were never coming back."

"I've had a lot of time to think, a lot of time to question whether I'm even still needed on the team anymore. I've come to the conclusion that you can get along fine without me."

"That's not true, Daniel." Sam states earnestly, begging me with her eyes to listen to her. "Things have gotten much worse since you left. Anubis is more powerful than ever, his systematically conquering the galaxy. The remaining System Lords are trying to put up a fight, but they are losing, losing big time and with every loss, more conquered Jaffa are absorbed into Anubis' army."

"Oh, but that's not the best part, is it, Carter?" Jack's lips turn up in a sardonic smile. "Why don't you bring him up to speed with everything else his missed?"

I always thought that I was the only one in the team that could convey a multitude of meanings within a couple of sentences, but it would appear that Jack has learnt the knack in my absence.

Sam suddenly looks like a deer caught in headlights. Her face is tight, her eyes wide, her lips pinched together as though she is fighting against some inner force that is trying to get out.

"Sam?"

Slowly she wets her lips, her eyes moving away from her commanding officer's to meet mine.

"Daniel, there's something else you need to know, something you need to consider when you decide whether you want to come back."

"Oh... he's coming back." Jack's words are uttered softly under his breath, but not so softly that I can't hear them.

I glance at him and watch as his posture stiffens, as he prepares himself for my reaction to whatever it is that Sam is about to say. A quick look at Teal'c shows me that he too is unaccustomedly anxious.

Sam looks at me for a long moment, the hesitation in her eyes causing me to wonder just what the next part of this conversation will contain.

"What is it, Sam?"

"Just say it, Carter!"

The icy glare that she sends in Jack's direction causes him to wince.

"Daniel..." She takes a deep breath, swallowing hard. "...Anubis' army of super soldiers has multiplied exponentially. They now pose an even bigger threat than the Jaffa, given how fast they are spreading and the fact that we are having limited success in designing something capable of killing them. It's been estimated that the System Lords will be wiped out by the end of the year. Earth approximately six months after that, if he doesn't make a beeline for us sooner."

"Fer crying out loud."

Jack's words are softly whispered, but the exasperation in them is clear. From the corner of my eye I see him shake his head in disbelief.

Something else is going on here, something more than just the imminent threat to the planet and the galaxy.

As much as I don't want to go back to Cheyenne Mountain, a part of me knows that the only way that I'm going to get to the bottom of things is if I do.

I look around the room at my teamates.

Nobody is looking at me, both Teal'c and Jack are looking at Sam and she is fighting with every ounce of her willpower not to look back at them.

It is that unnatural scene, that disharmony between my friends that finally makes up my mind.

"Give me twenty minutes."


	5. Chapter 5

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 5**

The flight back to Colorado had taken an eternity.

Luckily for me Sam and I had been seated together, Jack and Teal'c further back in the cabin, whether that was by design or pure luck I hadn't been able to tell.

All I knew was that throughout the taxi ride to the airport Jack had been sending me daggered looks and I was grateful for the respite.

I had been hoping to talk with Sam during the flight, to somehow get to the bottom of why there seemed to be an uncharacteristic tension between her and the others, but Sam remained tight lipped, refusing to be drawn on anything other than mundane small talk.

At least from that I managed to discover that my apartment was intact and that the lease had been maintained. Much to my astonishment I also discovered that the Air Force was continuing to pay me, albeit at a much lower rate, even though my sabbatical had been longer than I had originally intimated.

Back in Denver, we had all bundled into Jack's truck and drove in silence to the mountain.

Once below ground, Sam and Teal'c took their leave, leaving me with Jack, who promptly took me for what he euphemistically called 'an overdue debrief' with General Hammond.

Hammond had been his usual gracious self, even when I had told him that I wasn't certain that I wanted to be a part of a front line team anymore, that I was even considering leaving the programme altogether. In his soft, Texan drawl, the General had asked me to take as much time as I needed to reconsider, telling me that he didn't want to lose someone that he viewed to be an irreplaceable member of his command.

Jack had just looked incredulous.

Incredulous and angry.

When the meeting broke up, he had taken off without saying a word, without even giving me a backward glance.

Inevitably, my next stop had been Sam's lab.

I had been hoping that she would be able to tell me what the hell was going on with Jack, but when I got there it wasn't Sam that I found in the middle of some complex scientific experiment, but Bill Lee.

That had thrown me through a loop.

When I had asked him where Sam was he had looked uncomfortable and told me that she had gone home. When I had pointed out that it was only the middle of the afternoon, he had stammered that she had had some personal chores to attend to.

He hadn't been able to look me in the eye.

In fact I'm pretty sure that I heard an audible sigh of relief when I had turned around and left the lab.

Sam wasn't in the place where I expected to find her.

Jack wasn't talking to me, at least not in a verbal sense, although he was doing pretty well with the non verbal variety.

There was only one other place I could try.

Which is why I am now standing outside of Teal'c's quarters.

I knock softly on the door and wait for his customary greeting.

"Enter."

I open the door a fraction and poke my head around it, seeing my Jaffa friend sitting crossed legged on the floor at the foot of his bed, surrounded by his ever present array of lighted candles.

His eyes were closed, his posture still.

"Daniel Jackson, I have been expecting you."

"Am I interrupting you?"

"You are not." Teal'c's eyes slowly open , "As I told you once before, I am no longer able to reach the meditative state that I once enjoyed through Kel-no-reem."

"Yet you keep on trying."

Teal'c tilted his head softly to one side, his way of acknowledging my words.

"Can I come in?"

"You may."

I step into his room, closing the door behind me and cross to where he sits . I settle myself on the floor across from him, sitting Indian style and feel the wave of déjà vu wash over me. This isn't the first time that I have sat like this with him, nor was it the first time that I have come to him in search of answers.

"Teal'c I'm hoping you can help me?"

"You are seeking meaning for the things that you are witnessing."

"Yes."

Teal'c inhaled softly.

"Then I must inform you that I will be of little help to you."

"Right at this moment, you're the only one I can turn to. I need to know what's going on, Teal'c? I need to know why Jack's isn't talking to me and why Sam's mysteriously off base in the middle of the day?" I run an exasperated hand through my hair. "Since I've been back I've noticed that everything about this place feels wrong. It's like I've travelled to an alternate reality, to a place that is similar, but not the same as the one I left behind. Quite frankly, it's a little disturbing."

"Much has changed since you left."

"Jack hates me."

"O'Neill is angry with you."

"Because I left...?"

Teal'c looked away from me, his eyes focusing upon a nearby candle.

His usual stoical demeanour seemed to falter and for the briefest moment I saw unaccustomed emotions cross his usually expressionless face.

Jack isn't the only one who is angry with me, it would appear that Teal'c is too.

"Teal'c I need to know what's going on because I know that something is, something other than Anubis attempting to overthrow the galaxy. I'm missing something."

"Indeed you are, but it is not up to me to enlighten you."

"What the hell is that suppose to mean?"

Teal'c's eyes return to mine, the deep brown of his irises almost boring through me with their intensity.

"It is not I that you should be consulting, Daniel Jackson, but the one who has suffered most as a consequence of your ill conceived departure."

And with those words and that penetrating look...

Everything fell into place.

They knew.

Both Jack and Teal'c knew.

Knew about me and Sam.

"My God! She told you?"

It didn't make sense.

Why the hell would she tell them?

Why the hell would she want to?

"Major Carter did not confide in us immediately. We continued to search for you, using every means at our disposal, but as time passed with little to show for our efforts, she was forced to tell us what had conspired between you."

"You mean Jack dragged it out of her."

I turned away from my friend, my head reeling with emotions I couldn't easily pin down. I felt betrayed by Sam, betrayed that she had told them of our moment of intimacy, not understanding why she had felt it necessary to do so. Then again who was I to judge her when it had been my own betrayal of her that had set everything in motion to begin with.

"You are mistaken, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c's deep voice broke into my thoughts. "O'Neill did not use coercion, Major Carter confided in us of her own free will."

"Why? Why would she do that?"

"It is not for me to answer that question, perhaps you should re-direct it toward Major Carter."

"Teal'c..."

"I believe that I have told you all that I can. I have nothing else to say to you."

With that he closed his eyes and resumed his meditation.

I sat for a moment longer as a barrage of thoughts and feelings engulfed me. Then not knowing what else to do I stood up and headed back toward the door. As I opened it, a shaft of light from the hallway dazzled my eyes causing me to pull up a hand to shield myself from the glare.

"Daniel Jackson?"

I looked back to see Teal'c staring at me.

"Do not feel anger toward Major Carter, but direct it toward yourself, for it was your actions that left her with no other option."

His words hit me with all the force of a full blown punch.

It wasn't often that Teal'c took sides, in fact most of the time he obstinately refused to be drawn one way or another, but in this at least I knew where his allegiance lay.

I nodded mutely in his direction and walked through the door, closing it softly behind me.

The corridor was almost empty, only a few base personnel traversing it as they made their way toward their duty stations. Even so, the eyes of those that passed by seemed to gravitate toward me and I heard a few muffled words being exchanged. I couldn't hear what they were, but I knew that they were about me and my sudden return to the mountain.

My mind was still reeling from my conversation with Teal'c.

I guess it explained some of Jack's behaviour, but not all of it.

It didn't explain the level of his anger, neither did it explain his behaviour in the hotel room when he had uncharacteristically deferred to Sam.

Twice.

Everything seemed to gravitate toward Sam.

I needed to see her, to talk to her.

I needed to do it as soon as possible.

In order to do that I needed to get off the base.

I turned and headed back to the elevator, but deviated away from it at the last moment so that I could use one of the base telephones.

I needed to call a cab.

Forty five minutes later a yellow cab dropped me off outside Sam's house. As it pulled away from the curb I turned and took a moment to run my eyes over the familiar setting.

I've always thought of Sam's house as being a little piece of home.

In all the years that we have known each other I have always been made welcome here, but I no longer know if that is still the case.

Perhaps that is why I didn't call ahead and let her know that I was coming.

Perhaps a part of me didn't want to deal with the weight of the rejection if she had told me that she didn't want to see me and I should go to hell.

I took a deep fortifying breath and began the short walk up her path, climbing the couple of steps that brought me onto her porch. I stood there and took a cursory look around her garden and driveway. Immediately I was struck by the telling absence of Sam's vintage Volvo.

She loved that car, she had practically rebuilt it from scratch, but now sitting in its place was a brand new, sleek looking SUV.

I was really beginning to think that somehow during my absence I had stepped into an alternate universe.

Well if that was the case then maybe Doctor Carter could explain how I had gotten there because I sure as hell didn't know.

I reached out my hand and pressed the doorbell.

Several moments passed before I heard the sound of footsteps approaching the door, followed by the sound of the deadbolts being released.

The hinges squeaked softly as the door opened.

Sam stood before me dressed in a pair of faded blue jeans and a fluffy pink sweater.

As she realised who it was that was standing on her stoop, her eyes widened dramatically.

"Daniel!"

"We need to talk, Sam."

She swallowed nervously, her blue eyes darting a furtive look over her shoulder.

"Can it wait until tomorrow... I'm a little busy right now."

Had I interrupted something?

Was she entertaining someone, had my unannounced arrival put a crimp in her plans for the evening?

Maybe that was why the SUV was in the driveway, maybe it wasn't hers at all, maybe it belonged to a boyfriend.

That thought, irrational as it was, suddenly ignited the anger that had been steadily building inside me since my conversation with Teal'c.

"No, this can't wait until tomorrow, Sam. I want to know why the hell you thought it was necessary to tell Jack and Teal'c that we had sex."

It was as though I had physically struck her. Her entire body seemed to stagger back with the force of my words and the colour drained out of her face.

"Oh my God!"

A trembling hand covered her lips.

"You can either let me in or we do this on your porch, but I'm not leaving until I get an answer."

Again I watched as she cast another furtive glance over her shoulder.

"What's it going to be, Sam?"

"This really isn't a good time."

"Too bad."

Sam's eyes narrowed, sending me a look that I couldn't possibly misinterpret.

She was getting pissed with me.

Good, right now that made us even.

She took a step to the side and pressed herself back against the solidness of the oak door.

"Well if that's the attitude you're going to take, I guess you better come in."

I practically marched the first few steps into her hallway and then stopped as I waited for her to close the door behind me. Then together we walked the rest of the way toward her living room.

I didn't miss the surreptitious glance that she gave toward her spare bedroom as we crossed into her living room, nor the blush that crested her cheeks as she realised that she had been caught doing so.

A part of me was pleased to note that the living room was empty, but whether someone was hiding out in her spare room was another matter entirely.

And that was something that I couldn't waste energy contemplating right at that moment.

"Would you like some coffee?" Sam asked, "I was just about to ma..."

"Enough with the niceties, Sam, just answer my damn question."

"It isn't that simple, Daniel."

"Oh it's simple alright." I yanked off the leather jacket that I had been wearing, the heavy material suddenly feeling constricting and threw it with more force than was necessary onto the floral couch. "I want to know what possessed you to tell them that we slept together." My voice was beginning to rise, along with the ire that was slowly eating away at my control. " How could imparting that information have any relevance in their attempt to locate me? What the hell were you thinking?"

Worried eyes locked onto mine.

"Would you please keep your voice down."

"What happened between us, Sam, whether it was right or wrong, was private, it was personal. You had no right telling them, you had no right betraying that trust."

Sam's face, cool and placid up until now suddenly reddened as her own anger ignited explosively.

"Oh that's rich coming from you! You betrayed whatever trust I had in you when you decided to take off into the night, when you decided to leave without a word of where you were going. I gave you my body, Daniel, and you took it and then discarded it as though it was nothing more than a piece of used garbage." Sam raked an angry hand through her hair, her eyes blazing incandescent fury. "You left me alone, more alone than you could possibly imagine, left me to pick up the pieces, to cope with the consequences of that night."

"That still didn't give you the right to tell them about us!"

"You sanctimonious son of a bitch! Don't you get it... there was nothing else I could do... you left me no choice... I had to tell them!"

"WHY!"

The sound of my angry shout echoed throughout the room, bouncing off the walls, causing Sam to flinch at the sound of it.

We stood staring at each other, anger and tension rolling off of us in tangible waves.

A shrill cry emanated from the direction of the hallway.

Suddenly the deer in headlights look that I had seen in Sam's eyes earlier returned full force.

"What was that?"

The cry came again, louder this time, more distinctive and suddenly I knew exactly what was making it.

"Is that...?"

Sam briefly closed her eyes, her lips trembling as she fought to keep whatever emotions that were surging through her in check. When she reopened her eyes, a thin sheen of wetness glistened within their depths.

"Excuse me."

She turned and walked away, toward the direction from which the crying was coming from.

Toward her spare bedroom.

Suddenly I felt as though I was in freefall.

Someone had turned off Earth's gravitational field and any minute now I would start floating around the room.

"_Major Carter had a couple of personal chores to attend to."_

That's what Bill Lee had said when I'd asked him why Sam was absent from her lab.

"_It is not I that you should be consulting, Daniel Jackson, but the one who has suffered most as a consequence of you ill conceived departure" _

The words that Teal'c had spoken to me in his quarters now took on whole new meaning.

In fact everything suddenly coalesced into crystal clarity.

Sam re-entered the room, cradling in her arms a bundle wrapped in a white shawl. She stopped a few feet in front of me and I could see that while she had been away, she had been crying, the tracks of her tears still staining her cheeks.

"You want to know why I told them, Daniel." Her voice sounded small and fragile and it broke as she spoke my name. "Meet Hannah..." Sam caressed the child's form with her eyes. "Hannah Claire Jackson." Her eyes swept from the child to lock onto mine. "She's the reason that I had to tell them."


	6. Chapter 6

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 6**

I didn't know what shocked me more.

The fact that Sam was standing in front of me cradling a baby in her arms or the fact that she had just told me that it was mine.

Hannah

Claire

Jackson

The anger that had been fuelling my body since I'd left the mountain suddenly chose that moment to extinguish itself, leaving with such a rush that I staggered backward as the room suddenly began to spin haphazardly. Rubberised legs bumped into the couch, causing me to lose whatever balance I had left, sending me collapsing upon the cushions in an ungainly and dazed heap.

"Daniel! Are you okay?"

Sam's voice conveyed her concern for me.

"Ah... I think I need a minute to let this sink in."

My entire body was beginning to shake as though it were in the grip of a palsied attack and my mind was doing a funky loop de loop that consisted of the three words that made up our daughter's name.

Our daughter.

Sam and I have a daughter.

Together.

Baby Jackson took that moment to confirm her presence in the world and began to wail as only a small human being can.

"There... there... it's okay." Sam cooed as she rocked Hannah gently in her arms, "it's okay...go back to sleep now."

Sam's attention was no longer on me, but fixed upon the task of calming down the fretful infant, allowing me to watch her in an unguarded moment.

I have always considered Sam to be a beautiful woman, but now with the inner radiance that only motherhood can bring out, she looked truly stunning.

I felt my heart skip a beat before settling back into a normal rhythm.

As though realising that I was watching her, Sam looked up, a shy smile breaking across her lips, a soft pink blush blooming across her face.

She took a couple of measured steps toward the couch, careful so as not to awaken the now half slumbering baby. I grabbed my discarded jacket and placed it across the back of the couch, given her room to settle into the seat beside me, she turned, twisting her body slightly so that she was facing me.

"I never meant for you to find out like this. I was going to tell you in Mexico, that's why the Colonel and Teal'c were waiting in the lobby, to give us some privacy, but the words were a lot harder to say than I expected, they just wouldn't come out." Sam shrugged her shoulders apologetically. "Then the Colonel had to go and get impatient and I was afraid that he might just blurt it out and I didn't want you to find out like that."

I realised then that I had my answer as to why Jack had deferred to her.

The look that I had seen them share in that room was Sam's way of asking him not to say anything.

Sam gestured toward the soft bundle snuggled in her arms.

"Would you like to hold her?"

"Truthfully, right at this moment, I think I'd have a hard time confidently holding a piece of paper."

I held out my hands so that she could see that they were still shaking.

"It kinda knocks the wind out of you, doesn't it?" Her eyes glanced briefly down at Hannah then returned to me. "I felt the same way on the night that she was born. Even though I had prepared for it, it was still a shock knowing that suddenly there was this small, vulnerable person in your life, someone who is dependent upon you for all of their needs."

"You seem to be doing a good job." The moment the words left my mouth I wanted to grab them back. God, how patronising can I be? "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so condescending."

Sam nodded softly, accepting my apology.

"I'm not exaggerating when I say that this is the hardest thing I've ever done and that includes basic training and flight school. Seriously, compared to looking after a small baby, fighting the Goa'uld is a walk in the park." Sam's attention returned to Hannah, her smile becoming gentle as she tenderly caressed the baby's soft downy cheek. Hannah turned toward her mother's touch, her small mouth rooting unconsciously toward one of Sam's fingers. She latched onto it and began to make soft sucking noises. "Despite how hard it is, despite the sleepless nights, the constant worry, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't change what happened that night, Daniel, because whether what we did was right or wrong, you have given me a precious gift, one I thought I'd never have."

Oh God.

Tears filled my eyes, but their meaning was unclear. Whether they were tears of joy for the life that I had helped to create or whether they were for the guilt that I felt in my betrayal of Sam I didn't know.

As I had listened to her I couldn't help but hear the words that she had left unvoiced. The silent condemnation of my abandonment of her, leaving her to go through her pregnancy alone, to go through the trauma of labour without the benefit of having the father of the child that she was bringing into the world at her side.

I realised then that Jack and Teal'c were not angry with me for leaving the team, they were angry with me for abandoning Sam, for leaving her when she had probably needed me the most.

It couldn't have been easy for her, having to tell first Jack as her commanding officer, then General Hammond as her base commander that she had had an elicit liaison with a member of her own team.

Something like that would have irrevocably tarnished what had been up to then an exemplary military record.

Add to that the whispers and looks that would have dogged her around the base and I began to understand just how bad it must have been for her.

No wonder Jack and Teal'c wanted nothing more than to tear me limb from limb.

Perhaps when I got back on base I would let them.

The baby began to make anxious snuffling sounds, breaking me from my thoughts.

"Here, can you hold her a minute?" Sam pushed Hannah toward me and I unconsciously held out my arms to receive her. "She's getting hungry and if I don't feed her soon, she's going to start howling like a banshee."

Although I have held a baby before I still found it difficult to find a position where I felt comfortable, it took a little help from Sam and her patient instructions before I finally had my daughter safely in my embrace.

Sam disappeared into her bedroom leaving me literally holding the baby.

I looked down into the upturned face of my daughter and found a pair of baby blue eyes scrutinising me.

I felt something deep inside me shift, unfurling like a flower coming into bloom, something that I had never known existed until that moment in time.

I don't know if there is such a thing as paternal instinct, but if there is then I knew that I was feeling it, feeling an unbreakable bond establish itself between me and the little girl in my arms. It was a bond that I knew, even within those first few moments of its existence, would change my life forever.

Hannah gave a couple of short, hiccupping whimpers as she shoved one tiny little fist into her mouth, the whimpers turning into full blown cries of anguish as she realised that her hand didn't contain the sustenance that she craved.

Sam was right about the banshee analogy, how something so small could hit such a high decibel was beyond me.

My ears were beginning to hurt.

I tried to rock her as I had seen Sam do a few moments before, using my voice in an effort to placate her until her mother arrived baring the food that she needed, but nothing seemed to work. Instead, Hannah's beautiful little face turned ruddy with indignation and she began to wail her little heart out.

"Welcome to the wonderful world of parenthood."

I looked up to find Sam leaning nonchalantly against the living room door, her lips quirking up in a soft smile. She had changed while she had been gone, a white cotton shirt replacing the soft pink sweater that she had been wearing earlier.

I held out my squealing and squawking child laden arms in supplication.

"This is the part where I call for reinforcements."

I could hear the sound of Sam's laughter as she pushed herself away from the door. It was a good sound. I hadn't realised how much I had missed it.

I hadn't realised how much I had missed her.

Sitting back down beside me, she took the baby out of my arms and held her tenderly in the crook of her left arm. I watched mesmerised as Hannah immediately quietened. Sam's right hand made its way toward her shirt, her fingers deftly popping open the buttons and I realised rather belatedly what was coming next.

With a flush of embarrassment I looked away, turning my attention toward Sam's fireplace and fixing my eyes on the photographs that adorned them.

After a few seconds I heard the distinctive sound of Hannah's contented suckling.

"It's okay, you can look back now."

There was a hint of amusement in the cadence of Sam's voice.

I turned around making sure that my eyes focused on Sam's face and not on what was going on below her neckline. The soft snuffling sounds that Hannah made as she suckled was nearly my undoing, but I steadfastly stopped my gaze from wandering toward Sam's breasts.

"I think perhaps I should go."

"I think now would be a good time for us to have that talk." Sam countered, her earlier amused voice replaced by a much more serious one.

I shook my head.

"It's not necessary anymore. I understand why you had to tell them, there was no way that you could have hidden something like that. I'm sorry that I came charging in here flinging accusations at you and I'm sorry that I said the things that I said."

"Your apology is accepted, Daniel, but that wasn't the conversation that I had in mind."

"It wasn't?"

"No, it wasn't.

"Then what do you want to talk about?"

Sam looked down at Hannah, running her fingers tenderly across her soft, fair hair, a sombre expression crossing her face.

"I want to talk about what happens now, Daniel?" She looked back up at me, pinning me with her gaze. "I want to talk about us?"

It appeared that Sam's aim hadn't been dulled by motherhood, she still knew how to hit the bulls eye, whether it be with a weapon or with words.

I wasn't sure that I was ready for this particular conversation .

It all depended upon what variation of the word 'us' Sam wanted to talk about? Was it the 'us' of that night? The 'us' as we stood now with a gulf between us as wide as the Grand Canyon? Or was she talking about the 'us' that revolved around the small family unit that we had inadvertently become?

"I'm not sure that I know what it is that you want me to say, Sam?"

"It's not what I want, Daniel, it's what you want."

That didn't exactly help, all it did was to put the ball squarely back in my court.

What did I want?

"What I want to do more than anything is to be able to turn back the clock, to go back to that moment in my apartment and do it all differently." Sam suddenly tensed up and I realised that she had misunderstood what I was trying to say. "I wouldn't have changed what happened between us, I've never regretted making love to you and I could never, ever regret the child that we have created together."

Sam's posture seemed to relax a little.

"Then what do you mean?" She asked, her voice still cautious.

Hannah had stopped nursing and Sam had pulled a shawl around her shoulders covering her breasts. She held the baby so that she was sitting on her lap, her free hand gently patting Hannah's back.

I watched for a few moments as I tried to gather my thoughts, knowing that I was about to step onto uncertain ground and at any moment it might open like a fissure and swallow me whole.

"If I could do it again I would change what happened after we made love. I would have changed going away without you knowing where I was going. I was wrong to leave that way, especially after what we had shared. I was a coward and I admit it and I'd do anything to change that and to win back your trust."

"But you still would have gone?"

Even though she tried to hide it, Sam's voice was flecked with anger.

"I couldn't have stayed, just being on base would have reminded me every day of the guilt that I felt over Janet's death. I had to go away. I had to come to terms with it in my own way and in my own time. As it turned out I got over my feelings of guilt about Janet's death pretty early on, but what kept me from coming back was the guilt that I felt over the way that I had treated you. God, Sam, if I could have done it differently I would have made sure that you knew where I was, that you knew that I wasn't running away from you, that I wasn't running away from what had happened between us."

"Would you have come back if I'd been able to tell you that I was pregnant?"

"Yes. I'm sorry for the hell that I've put you through and I know that there is nothing that I can say or do that could make up for that. I can't even imagine how awful it must have been to go through your pregnancy alone. I should have been there for you. I should have been there every step of the way, but I wasn't and you can't imagine how bad that makes me feel."

"Would you have stayed? Or would you have slunk off again once Hannah was born? Is that what you're going to do now, Daniel, are you going to walk away again? You said in that hotel room that you weren't sure that you wanted to come back."

I nodded toward Hannah.

"Having a daughter changes things."

"Does it?"

Hannah took that moment to release a series of little belches, blissfully unaware of the importance of the conversation taking place between her estranged parents. Sam looked away from me as she mopped up the posited milk, then satisfied that everything was okay, she repositioned Hannah so that she could suckle from her other breast.

"I know that I hurt you and I know that I've destroyed every ounce of trust that you ever had in me, but I deserve a second chance, a chance to put right the things I've done wrong, to both you and Hannah. I can't change what's happened in the past, let me try and change the future. Let me try to put it right, Sam, all I want is a chance to show you how I..."

"Daniel, stop." Sam's voice was soft enough not to startle the baby, but the look she gave me sent my stomach plummeting toward my knees. "You've misunderstood me. This conversation isn't about whether I want you back in my life. You forfeited any chance you ever had of that when you walked away. All I want to know is whether you want to play an active role in your daughter's life?"

I felt as though I had been sucker punched.

One thing I had known, one thing that I had understood with absolute certainty, since the moment that Sam had walked back into my life, from the moment that she had knocked me on my ass was that my feelings for her hadn't changed.

I knew with more certainty than ever...

... that I was still in love with her.

But now, within a couple of sentences she had slammed and bolted the door on any chance that I might have had to be with her.

Any chance I had to be with her and Hannah.

Any chance for us to be a family.

She must have seen the shock register on my face because she hastily looked away and busied herself with Hannah.

"Daniel, I have to put her down to sleep. She's used to her routines and it's taken me months to get her to go down for the whole night."

She stood up and without looking at me walked away toward the spare bedroom, to where I now knew my daughter's nursery to be.

I stood up too and began pacing around the room, trying to think of a way that I could put things right, but I couldn't get past that part of me that felt as though I didn't deserve a second chance.

I'd left her, hadn't I?

I'd left her to bear the brunt of everything.

But I hadn't known.

How could I have known?

I stopped my frantic pacing when I reached the fireplace, my eyes alighting on the row of framed photographs that adorned the mantelpiece. One in particular caught my eye and I couldn't stop myself from picking it up.

I hadn't seen it before, but I knew when it had been taken.

It had been taken the Christmas that I had returned from Vis Uban.

It was of the team, all of us seated on Janet's couch, all of us bedecked in silly paper hats. Sam and I sat together in the middle of the picture, Jack and Teal'c on either side. Sam had her arm draped around my shoulder, our faces turned toward each other, our eyes staring intently at one another.

We only had eyes for each other.

We looked for all the world as if we were lovers.

Where had she gotten this picture?

I felt something shift in the air and turned to find Sam standing behind me, her eyes focused on the picture in my hand.

"Janet was a gifted photographer, don't you think?"

"Janet took this?"

She nodded.

"When did she give this to you?"

"She gave it to me on New Year's Eve, it came with a note."

"With a note? What kind of note?"

As I watched, Sam turned the photograph over in her hand and began to dismantle the frame, as she pulled the back off I noticed a small folded piece of paper.

She extracted it and handed it to me.

I looked down at the folded paper in my hand, a piece of paper that possibly contained one of the last messages that Sam had received from her friend.

"Are you sure you want me to read this?"

"I want you to read it, Daniel."

"Why?"

"You'll know why when you read it."

She took a couple of steps back, giving me a small modicum of privacy.

Slowly I opened the folded paper, unfolding it until I had it open fully.

There were two words in Janet's distinctive handwriting.

"_Tell Him."_

I looked up at Sam.

I didn't need to ask her what it was that Janet had wanted her to tell me.

Sometimes a picture can paint a thousand words, but sometimes it only needs to convey three and through Janet's candid shot of us I knew all that I needed to know.

Sam loved me.

Or at least she had.

Until I had crushed that love out of her.

"I don't know what to say. I desperately want to make things right between us." I turned to her, hoping that she could see the anguish that I felt in my eyes and that through that she could somehow begin to forgive me. "Tell me how I can make it right again, Sam?"

"You can't, Daniel, the scars go too deep."

She hastily reassembled Janet's photograph and placed it gently back on the mantelpiece.

"While you were busy fleeing into the night, I was at home thinking about us, thinking about whether I could risk beginning a relationship with you. I spent most of that night turning over every pro and con in my head, but when I finally fell asleep I had decided to risk it. To risk everything, Daniel, our friendship, my career, even my integrity because I believed that we could have something together.

I admit it probably wasn't the ideal way to start a relationship. I knew that the sex had been driven by our grief rather than by our love, but I knew how I felt about you and I thought that I had detected something similar in you, so I was willing to give it a chance. I was even looking forward to seeing you the next morning, hoping that we might find time to talk about what had happened, to see if you felt the same way."

"Sam..."

"Imagine my surprise when on that morning, on that morning when I had been prepared to gamble everything, Hammond called us into his office and showed us the e-mail you had sent him."

"Sam...please..."

"I don't think that it hit me at first, the fact that you were gone. A part of me refused to believe it. I kept thinking that you would return, that you couldn't be that cold, that callous, that selfish, but then as the weeks went by and we couldn't trace you, I had no choice but to accept it. I scored the double whammy a few weeks later when I found out that I was pregnant."

God, I couldn't have fucked this up more if I had tried.

I have gone from potentially having everything, to having nothing and I hadn't even known it.

"So in answer to your question, Daniel... no you can't make it right. Too much time has passed and too many opportunities have been lost. I can't trust you again with my heart, I can't trust you again with my love, but I'm hoping that I can trust you to be the father that our daughter needs."

I'd made a mess of things with Sam, but I was determined that I wouldn't make the same mistakes with Hannah.

"I don't want to miss anymore of her life, Sam. I want to be a part of it. I want her to know who her father is and I'll give her whatever she wants, whatever you want. Just tell me where to start."

For the first time in what felt like hours a soft smile broke across Sam's lips.

"I think we've covered enough for tonight."

With that she turned and began walking toward her hallway and I followed in her wake, trailing her down the narrow passageway until we reached her front door. When she opened it, I stepped outside, noticing that it was dark and remembering that I had arrived by taxi.

Damn.

"Ah, Sam, can I borrow your phone. I need to call a cab."

Sam reached across to her telephone stand , but instead of handing me the phone, she scooped a set of keys out of a bowl and tossed them toward me.

I snagged them out of the air.

They were the keys to her SUV.

"Lessons begin tomorrow, Daniel, bright and early."

"What lessons?"

"Parenting 101. Everything you want to know about looking after and caring for a small baby. It's on the job training and there's a lot to learn, so you better bring a notebook."

"Notebook... right...got it."

I jingled the car keys in my hand, but my eyes were intently focused upon Sam.

"Thank you."

"Oh, don't thank me yet, Daniel, you might be cursing me by tomorrow night."

Her smile was both genuine and teasing, just the way it used to be before everything had changed between us.

"Oh... and one more thing."

"What's that?"

Sam gave me a reproachful frown.

"Lose the beard, it doesn't suit you."

I ran my fingers through the short, stubby whiskers, realising that I had never gotten around to having the shave that Sam had interrupted in Mexico.

Something inside me did a little jig of joy.

And all because Sam had said that she didn't like my beard.

Silly I know, but to me it was a glimmer of light amid the lonely darkness that my life had become.

A tiny ray of hope.

Hope that maybe, just maybe she still felt a little something for me, even if it was only enough to point out her dislike of my facial hair.

"Consider it done."


	7. Chapter 7

**Affirmation of Life **

**Chapter 7**

Looking after a baby really is the hardest job in the world.

In retrospect I should never have doubted Sam when she had stated that it was going to be a steep learning curve, after all she's had to learn the right and wrong way of doing things, trusting only her innate instincts, and knowing Sam as well as I do, a book or two on the subject.

She's had to learn the hard way.

By comparison, I've had the more easier transition.

Still, after three weeks of intense hands on training, albeit with a few unexpected and sometimes downright terrifying experiences I have learned one important lesson.

Being a parent is exhausting!

I've been on archaeological digs in Egypt that have been less labour intensive.

I can't believe the work that is involved in keeping one tiny person clean, fed, dressed and happy. As soon as you accomplish one of those primary goals, the next is looming on the horizon.

Take today for instance.

Today I'm flying solo.

Sam's had to go into work, something to do with some monumental screw up that Felger has made. When I arrived I could tell that she wasn't too pleased about having to go to the mountain, whether that had something to do with the fact that she was having to leave Hannah in my less than capable hands I couldn't say, but it was obvious that Sam had little choice in the matter.

Before she left, she explained to me the wonders of expressed milk, where it was stored, namely the fridge, and how it was to be prepared and administered.

No sooner had Sam left than Hannah decided to test whether her father had been paying attention to his last three weeks of basic training.

Feeding her went okay.

Even making sure that she expressed those pesky little air bubbles was a little easier than I had imagined, although I wasn't quite prepared for the full on puke fest that followed when I jiggled her about a little too prematurely.

Suffice it to say, I had to change her clothes... and sponge off mine.

And just when I had finished doing that...

...she promptly goes and fills her diaper.

The contents of a baby's diaper should be classified in the same category as radioactive isotopes from Chernobyl.

It took me twenty minutes to get her clean and sweet smelling again.

I'm not so sure that my nasal passages have fared so well.

Getting her back to sleep wasn't as easy as Sam makes it look. For one thing Hannah doesn't seem to appreciate my singing voice, not that I can blame her and I guess stories from Greek mythology don't really have much to offer a child under the age of one.

My final resort was to lay on the couch with Hannah draped across my torso, my hand softly and rhythmically patting her back.

So now having managed to steer her back to her cot in the nursery without the mishap of waking her up, I'm now ready for a much overdue and well deserved cup of coffee.

I cross to the kitchen and switch on the coffee machine, sighing with pleasure at the sound it makes and the aroma that slowly wafts through the air.

My reverie is interrupted by the sound of the door chime.

Great!

That's all I need, an overzealous delivery man.

I swear if he wakes the baby up...

I jog down the hall, the nirvana of my coffee entirely forgotten and pull open the door before he can ring the damn doorbell again.

After my experience in Mexico, I should know better than to open a door without first checking as to who is on the other side.

Shock registers a nanosecond before I come to the unwanted conclusion that I'm about to relive in painful detail that jaw cracking moment in my hotel room.

For who should be standing on Sam's stoop but her father.

"Hello Danny."

"Jacob..."

I feel a bead of perspiration break from the cover of my hairline to weave drunkenly down my face. At the same moment my heart rate speeds up until I can almost feel it knocking against my ribcage.

Oh this is bad... this is very bad.

"Ah... if you're looking for Sam, she's at the base."

I wince as the words leave my mouth.

Was it possible for me to say anything more stupid? Of course he knows she is at the base, he's just come from there.

The Stargate is how he commutes.

One side of Jacob's mouth quirks up at my obvious discomfort.

"I'm not here to see Sam," his face suddenly turns serious, "I'm here to see you."

Those sound like ominous words and I begin to wonder just how many ways an ex Vietnam vet and the Tok'ra's most accomplished covert operative know how to hurt a man, more of a worry is how many ways that they might know of how to dispose of the body.

I just hope that I'm not going to be unlucky enough to find out.

"You better come in."

I hold the door open for him to enter and hope that he can't detect the level of my nervousness as he brushes past me. Closing the door, I lead him into the kitchen.

"I was just making coffee, would you like some?"

Jacob seems to go into a trance like state and I realise that he is silently communicating with Selmak, it only lasts a moment.

"Sel says he's willing to make a concession to the usual no caffeine rule, so yeah, Daniel, I'd love some."

I pour us both a mug of Kenya's finest Arabica and hand one to him.

He crosses to the fridge and grabs hold of the milk carton, adding a dash to his mug and enquiring with his eyes as to whether I want some in mine.

I shake my head.

Jacob returns the milk to the fridge and closes the door, then he proceeds to walk his mug of precious brew to the farmhouse style table that sits in the middle of the kitchen, pulls out a chair and lowers himself into it.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist or an archaeologist for that matter to figure out that he wants me to join him there, so I pull out the chair that sits opposite him and sit down.

I guess it's time for the inquisition to begin.

"So..." Jacob's eyes look up from where they were studying the contents of the mug and lock unnervingly onto mine, "how does it feel to have knocked up my daughter?"

I inhale the mouthful of coffee that I had just taken, which results in my choking and wheezing in an effort to clear it from my lungs.

Trust Jacob to go straight for the jugular.

Now I know where Sam gets it from.

"You okay there, Danny?"

I nod, thumping my chest with one fist as I try to dislodge the almost suffocating beverage.

"Went... down... the ...wrong... way!"

I continue to wheeze and cough, my eyes tearing with the effort for a few seconds longer, when I finally have things back under a semblance of control, I run the back of my hand across my now streaming eyes, replace my glasses and concentrate my attention once more on Jacob.

"I'm not exactly sure how to answer that question, Jacob?"

"How about with the truth, Daniel."

"The truth's a little complicated."

"It always is."

Jacob leans his elbows on the table so that he can rest his chin upon his clenched hands.

"You hurt my little girl, what's more you left her alone to bring your child into the world, give me a reason as to why I shouldn't hurt you in return?"

He has a point, maybe I should let him have a little righteous retribution, while I'm at it why don't I invite Jack and Teal'c over and they can all beat me into a bloody pulp.

"I never meant to hurt her, Jacob, I know you probably don't believe that, and I know that my actions since then haven't exactly borne out that statement, but I never meant to hurt her." Jacob's eyes tell me that he isn't exactly buying that line. If I want him to believe me then I'm going to have to try a lot harder and reveal probably more about that night between his daughter and myself than I was comfortable with. "Look... I don't know how much Sam's told you about what happened that night?"

"She's told me the bare minimum..." Jacob leans across the table, his face implacable, "that's why I've come to see you."

I can feel my eyebrows crawling toward my hairline as realisation dawns on me.

"She doesn't know you're here, does she?"

Jacob sighs softly.

"No, she thinks I'm resting in the VIP suite."

He doesn't have to say anything more for we both know how Sam would likely react if she were to find out that her father has snuck out from the mountain complex in order to interrogate me.

I almost grin, but I curb the compulsion and stare down into my coffee cup instead, trying to think of the right words that would convey to Jacob the complexities of what happened between us that night.

"What you have to understand is that Janet's death had a marked effect upon both of us. We were hurting, we were looking for solace from one another, solace from the pain, from the grief, from the guilt. It started out innocently enough, it's not like we haven't held each other before, that we haven't comforted each other, but then something changed and that comfort turned into something else."

My eyes rose from where they had been studying the coffee cup to meet with those of Sam's father.

The soft brown of Jacob's irises seemed to harden as he returned my gaze.

"Please tell me that you didn't take advantage of her, that you didn't take advantage of the situation because if you did, Daniel..."

I shake my head emphatically, wondering as I do so how he could think such a thing about me.

"God, no, Jacob, I would never do anything like that. You have to believe me when I say that it was consensual, that it was something that we both wanted."

I take a long pull on my coffee, using the distraction to pull together my thoughts, so that I can explain better to Jacob the feelings that I have with regard to his daughter.

"Do you love her?"

The sound of those words cause me to sit back heavily in the chair. Once again Jacob has bypassed all the trivialities and gone straight to the heart of the matter.

"Jacob..."

"Do you love her, Daniel?"

I swallow the swell of emotion that suddenly threatens to constrict my throat.

"More than you could possibly imagine."

Jacob stares at me for a long time, his eyes scrutinizing mine and I get the feeling that it isn't only him that is evaluating me.

It is Selmak too.

It feels like forever before I finally see a small smile curl around his lips.

"I believe you, Daniel, and that makes the other reason for my being here that little bit easier."

"What do you mean... the other reason for your being here?"

Jacob looks wistfully at his hardly touched coffee cup before pushing it to one side.

"I guess I'm a little old fashioned, especially by today's standards, but I was hoping that you might do the honourable thing."

It takes a few seconds for his words to sink in, but when they do I feel the breath leave my lungs in an audible whoosh.

"You want me to..."

"You have responsibilities now, not only to my daughter, but to my granddaughter, it's time you stepped up to the plate."

I can remember all too vividly the conversation that took place in this very house three weeks ago, on that night when I had told Sam that I wanted to put everything right, that I wanted to have a second chance with her, but on that night she had shot me down in flames.

I softly shake my head, regret at my inability to persuade Sam to trust me again falling like a heavy blanket across my heart.

"Sam's made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want me in her life anymore, at least not in that way and I can't say that I blame her."

A deep frown etched its way into Jacob's forehead.

"So you're just going to give up, without so much as a fight?"

"Whatever Sam once felt for me is gone, she doesn't trust me anymore, at least not with her heart so all I can do now is be here for Hannah." Jacob looks like he is about to say something, but I cut him off with a brisk wave of my hand. "Do you know what the cruellest irony is?..." Jacob shakes his head in answer, so I continue, "... up until a few weeks ago I didn't even know that Sam had those kind of feelings for me. I didn't know that she once loved me and was prepared to risk everything to be with me."

"She still loves you, Daniel." Jacob sits forward in his seat, his hands clasped together on the pine table. "Trust me, I know my daughter. She can be stubborn as hell, especially when she's been hurt and there is no doubting that you hurt her."

"Then how can you be so certain that she still loves me?"

A soft smile broke across Jacob's lips.

"Because I've only seen Sam totally fall apart twice in her life. Once when I had to tell her that her mother had died and the other... the other was when she lost you, Daniel, when you ascended."

He must have seen the shock register in my eyes, for he shook his head in bemusement.

"You two really ought to learn to talk more."

Just then the shrill sound of Hannah's cry emanates from the baby monitor on the counter.

I look at my watch.

"Thirty minutes... she's been down for all of thirty minutes."

I rise from my seat and head toward the nursery, the sound of Hannah's cry now persistent and fractious. I open the door and cross into the room, moving toward the cot and find Hannah in the throes of a full-blown tantrum, face ruddy, hands balled into tiny little fists, eyes scrunched shut as she puts every ounce of her energy into projecting her displeasure.

I pick her up and hold her against my chest, making little soothing sounds, but it doesn't pacify her, it's then I get a whiff of the reason why she has woken up in such a bad mood.

"Oh please... not again!"

I cross to the changing unit, placing my precious bundle down upon its soft surface and rummage underneath for the items that I need. If I've learned anything it is that you can't put this moment off, not with a wriggling, squirming baby mashing the contents of its diaper into an ever more disgusting mess.

I pop open the buttons of the baby grow and push it up her body so that it rests just above her waistline. Carefully I peel back the tabs and pull down the front of the diaper.

"... Jesus..."

I hear a chuckle from behind me and turn to find Jacob standing in the doorway, an amused look on his face.

"Don't tell me, she's gone nuclear, right?"

"I'm thinking more along the lines of primordial sludge. This stuff belongs in the Jurassic Period."

I reach for the baby wipes and grab a couple in an effort to begin the none too pleasant task of trying to clean her up. It's not helped by the fact that Hannah is vigorously kicking her legs about in the air and trying to roll over. After much consternation on my part and dogged evasion techniques on hers that I swear are a Carter trait, I finally manage to grab a hold of her wildly flailing feet so that I can anchor her in place.

It takes me another six wipes before I start to see the pinkness of her skin.

Ugh.

There is a hidden knack in this diaper changing business, but I figure to be able to do it skilfully you need to be an Octopus because you never seem to have enough hands.

"Just be thankful that she's a girl," Jacob has moved from the doorway and is standing at my shoulder gazing down at his granddaughter, "because little boys just love to use a moment like this for target practice." There is a look of pure joy upon his face, but then it turns wistful and just a little sad. "God, I wish my Hannah was here to see her. I wish she were here to see all her grandchildren."

The regretful tone in Jacob's voice is palpable.

Hannah stills as she hears the sound of her grandfather's voice, her eyes locking onto him, a soft cooing sound of recognition breaking from her lips.

"She's named after your wife?"

Jacob looks across at me.

"Sam never told you?"

I shake my head, a part of me somewhat ashamed that I hadn't thought to ask.

"Her middle name, Claire, did you know that was my mother's name? She died when I was young."

"I know, Daniel." Jacob's hand settles on my shoulder and he squeezes it softly. "Sam told me that she wanted Hannah to have your mother's name as a means of holding onto something of you in case you never came back."

I swallow down the sudden lump in my throat, using the distraction of finishing changing Hannah as a means to help me through the sudden wellspring of emotion that surfaces.

Once Hannah is buttoned down and dressed once more, her grandfather picks her up, giving me the chance to dispose of the olfactory challenging diaper bag.

When I re-enter the room it is to find him sitting in the rocking chair by the window, Hannah safely ensconced in his arms, rocking gently backward and forward.

"We nearly lost her you know."

He stares down at the fair-haired child in his arms, bending forward slightly so that he could place a delicate kiss upon her head.

"Hannah?"

He shakes his head, his eyes rising to meet with mine, the fear of the recollection so plain to see in their depths.

"Sam."

"What!?"

His revelation stuns me and I feel all the blood suddenly leach from my head, leaving me feeling dizzy and disoriented.

"It wasn't an easy pregnancy, Daniel, it was blighted by problems. At five months she almost miscarried, then at eight months she developed pre-eclampsia and had to be confined to bed. As you can imagine the confinement wasn't something that Sam enjoyed but it was necessary." One of Jacob's hands lifted to settle upon his granddaughter's head, his fingers playing softly with her fine hair. "I was off world taking part in some rather delicate negotiations for the Tok'ra, so I wasn't there when Sam went into labour."

His turns away from studying his granddaughter to look at me and I can see the shimmer of tears in his eyes.

"It was a long labour, twelve hours. When Hannah was finally born, Sam began to haemorrhage. It was bad, really bad, the doctors couldn't stop the bleeding. Jack had the SGC put in a call to the Tok'ra home world so that they could call me back, so that I could make it back to Earth in time to..."

Jacob's words trailed off , but it was easy to fill in the blanks.

So that he could get back to Earth in time to say goodbye.

My eyes slam shut, my stomach rolling with nausea at the thought that I could have lost Sam and I wouldn't even have known it.

"What happened?"

"Selmak." Jacob's mouth turned up in a small smile. "I made it back, but I guess I was out of it, worried sick about Sam and terrified that I was going to lose her. Selmak took control of the situation, he's not the wisest and the oldest of the Tok'ra for nothing. His been around the block a few thousand times, he figured out a way that they could stem the bleeding, using a technique that the Tok'ra have perfected in the removal of a Goa'uld from its host. He saved her life."

Jacob's head lifted up from watching his granddaughter, but the look on his face was not that of Sam's father, but of his Tok'ra counterpart.

"_Samantha is like a daughter to me. To have lost her would have been unthinkable_."

I cross the room in a couple of strides and kneel at Jacob's side, grasping his hand in mine.

"Selmak, thank you seems so inadequate. You don't know how much your saving her means to me."

"_Oh, but you are wrong, Daniel. It hasn't been so long that I have forgotten the intensity of the feelings that one has for a mate, especially for those as bonded together as you and Samantha are."_

"Bonded?"

"He's referring to bond mates." Jacob's face relaxes as Selmak once more retreats to the back of his consciousness. "It's a term the Tok'ra use when both symbiote and host fall in love simultaneously."

"You mean like Martouf and Lantash both being in love with Rosha and Jolinar?"

Jacob nods an affirmative.

"It's the highest kind of intimacy that the Tok'ra know. I guess on Earth we refer to it as finding your soul mate."

"It has a nice ring to it, Jacob, but I wouldn't consider Sam and I to be soul mates."

"Maybe you're right. I would expect a soul mate to fight for the woman he loves."

"Jacob, I explained to you why..."

Jacob raises his hand stalling the rest of my words.

"Just hear me out, you need to hear the rest."

"The rest of what?"

"Surely you're aware that you are not the only one that has feelings for my daughter. You must know that Jack has them too?"

A knot of anxiety takes up residence in the pit of my stomach.

"Are they..."

Jacob shakes his head.

"No. Jack has helped Sam through a lot, especially since Hannah's birth. He's been there for her, Daniel, when you weren't." Jacob's eyes find and hold mine. "Don't get me wrong, Jack is a good man, a really good man, but he isn't the right man, not for Sam and not for my granddaughter." Jacob's gaze locks with mine. "You are, Daniel."

"I want to believe you, Jacob, truly I do, but Sam's made it positively clear that she wants nothing more to do with me."

"Then change her mind."

"How?"

Jacob looks down at his now slumbering granddaughter, watching her as she softly inhales and exhales, her eyelids flickering as she dreams whatever it is that small babies dream.

He rises from the rocking chair and walks back to the cot. Once there he gently lowers Hannah back down onto the soft mattress and tenderly covers her over with her blanket.

He stares at her for a long time and I begin to think that he has either not heard or chosen not to answer my question.

Then he turns around to face me.

"You're a smart guy, Daniel, you'll figure it out."

With that he walks out of the room, leaving me to stare at Hannah's contented slumbering form.

A moment later I hear the front door close as he leaves.


	8. Chapter 8

**Affirmation of Life**

**Chapter 8**

Sam rang to say that she would be late.

Apparently Felger's screw up had morphed into something of monumental proportions leading to three teams being stranded off world and she wasn't sure when she would be finished, there was even the possibility that she would have to pull an all nighter.

I had been able to tell from the cadence of her voice that she wasn't looking forward to being away from Hannah for such a long period of time, that she was missing her, but I also knew that her professionalism would win out and she wouldn't leave the mountain until she had rectified the problem and had gotten those three stranded teams safely back home.

She had asked whether everything had gone alright today. I would like to think that the question hadn't come about by her lack of trust in my ability to look after our daughter and more to do with her curiosity as to how the layman had gotten on with his first full day of unaccompanied parenthood.

So I gave her a rundown of our day, even managing to elicit a prolonged bout of laughter from her when I recounted my ineptitude in being able to change a baby's diaper without getting nuclear grade waste in places I'd much rather forget.

It felt good to talk to her in a way that wasn't strained and loaded with all the baggage that we now invariably had between us. I took comfort in the fact that she wanted to talk, albeit about Hannah, but at least the lines of communication between us were better than they had been.

By the time that she had finally rang off I had managed to convince her that I could stay longer to look after Hannah, after all what is the point of Sam paying a sitter when she had someone on hand who could do it for free.

I kept Jacob's visit to myself, mulling over his words as I had bathed and changed Hannah for bed that evening.

Was he right?

Did Sam still love me?

Could there be a chance that we could still be together?

Hannah went down to sleep incredibly easily, which I have to admit was a surprise, perhaps in her own little way she too is warming to the presence of her father.

Having nothing else to do I decided to prepare dinner. Knowing Sam as well as I do I knew that she would have skipped at least one meal, perhaps two while her mind was focused on solving the problem of the malfunctioning Stargate.

I don't kid myself that I am a Cordon Bleu chef, but you don't live as a single guy for as long as I have without learning some basic cooking skills. I managed to prepare a pretty nice Lasagne a la side salad, which I divided into halves so that Sam's could be heated up when she finally got home.

So a couple of hours later, having watched some pretty mediocre television and even managing to finish the book on Mesopotamian architecture that I had been re-reading, it was time that I tackled the remains of my solitary feast.

Picking up the plates, I take them into the kitchen so that I can give them a quick rinse before placing them in the dishwasher. Turning on the faucet, I let the water warm before I begin my task, which turns out to be a boon because the residue comes away easily.

Dishwasher loaded, I grab a towel so that I can dry my hands, not wanting to electrocute myself when I turn the damn thing on.

It is then that I get that strange feeling, you know the one that we humans get when we suddenly become aware that we are being observed.

I pivot around to find an exhausted looking Sam standing in the kitchen doorway.

"You look very domesticated, Daniel."

A soft smile plays across her lips.

"I didn't want you to come home to find a mess, you'd never let me babysit again, but enough about me..." I toss the towel onto the counter top and walk the few short steps that separate us, taking from her hand the laptop bag that she carries, "... you look like you're fit to drop."

I lead her to the kitchen table, pulling out a chair and motion for her to sit down in it, which she does gratefully.

"Have you eaten tonight?"

"Sure I had a bowl of Jello from the commissary."

"The last time I looked that wasn't classified as a basic food requirement."

I give her a long disapproving look and tut noisily.

Sam laughs softly.

"You remind me of Janet, she never fell for that one either."

"Good for Janet."

I take the covered portion of Lasagne from the refrigerator and place it into the microwave to warm up. As it warms I lay the table in front of her with cutlery along with the remainder of the salad that I made and cut a few wedges of bread for good measure.

"You don't have to do this, Daniel."

Sam's voice is laced with tiredness and it looks as though she is having a tough time just remaining upright at the table.

"Yeah, I do because if I don't you'll go to bed hungry and that won't be good for either you or Hannah."

Sam gives me a smile.

"You've been reading those parenting books that I gave you."

"You know me, Sam, I always do my homework." The microwave dings and I cross back over and take out the Lasagne, returning to place it down in front of her. "If you're going to keep your milk production at the right level to sustain Hannah then you have to keep to a normal diet."

Sam picks up the cutlery and begins tucking into the meal, after a few mouthfuls she looks up at me, surprise written on her face.

"Did you make this?"

I nod a little sheepishly.

"Wow, all these years and I never knew you could cook."

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me."

An underlying current of something passed between us and for a long time Sam just stared at me, but then she shook her head and resumed eating. After a couple more mouthfuls of the food she put her fork down again.

"So beside your culinary skills, what other things am I oblivious about?"

Oh Sam, if you only knew.

"I can play the piano."

One of her eyebrows crawled upward in a fair impression of Teal'c's

"You do?"

"Yes."

"But… you've never had a piano in any of your apartments?"

"Just because I don't own one doesn't mean I can't play one." Sam gives me a puzzled look so I decide to tell her the whole story. "When I was eleven I was fostered by a couple in Chicago. I'd been moved around a lot before then, but for once I actually ended up in a place where I felt comfortable. Elaine, my foster mother, was a piano teacher. I used sit in my bedroom and listen to her practicing day after day, hearing the most wonderful music filling the house.

Then one day I came home from school and snuck into the room where she kept the piano. I started hitting keys and I realised that I wasn't exactly musically talented, I was making a God awful racket, which was about the time that Elaine walked into the room and caught me."

"What happened?"

"Instead of being cross with me, she sat me down and gave me my first lesson, she was a great teacher and it wasn't long before I picked it up, could even play some of the classics by the time I moved onto my next home."

"If you felt so comfortable, why did you have to move on?"

I picked up the towel that I had been using to carry the plate from the microwave and made a show of cleaning up nonexistent crumbs from the table top.

"Daniel?"

"She got sick, really sick," I could feel Sam's eyes on me, asking the silent question. "For a while she went into remission, but it uh came back and she… she didn't make it."

"God, I'm sorry, Daniel."

Carefully I put the dishcloth down on the counter, placing my hands down either side of it and looked up at her.

"It was the first place that felt like a home and not like a way station. I actually felt as though I had a chance of putting down some roots, that I might have finally found a place to call my own and a couple that wanted me to be a part of their family, it never felt that way again, at least not until Sha're and that was snatched away from me too."

I felt the warmth of Sam's hand as it covered mine.

"You have a family, Daniel, right here."

"Do I?"

"Of course you do."

"I have part of a family, not a whole one. I have Hannah, but I don't have you."

I stared at her for a long time, trying to let her see everything that I held in my heart; wanting her forgiveness for the wrongs that I had done to her and hoping that she might be able to forgive me so that we could move on.

Sam looked away at the same time as I felt her hand pull away from mine.

"Thanks for the meal, Daniel, I appreciate it. I'm gonna hit the shower and then go to bed. Can you see yourself out?"

I couldn't believe that she was dismissing me, but there was nothing I could do, it wasn't as if I could refuse to go. Plus she really did look done in, tired beyond exhaustion and I knew that Hannah would be up early and Sam would need whatever sleep she could get.

"Sure, Sam, I'll see myself out."

She moved away from the table and headed down the hallway toward the bathroom. I grabbed the plate that she had been eating from and disposed of the leftovers in the garbage can, then after placing everything in the dishwasher, I grabbed my jacket and headed for the door.


End file.
